Misunderstanding

The woman that I love said to me that I should stop hurting myself.

It's been months since we've talked that long, and that's the second time that she has told me that. And that was the second time that I asked myself "Now what the hell kind of an advice is that?"

I know she is trying to help, but then what she is saying isn't helping me at all. I love her, and I've already told her what I feel. But the reply I get from her is more enigmatic than a crop circle formation. Now she's telling me to stop hurting myself because of her, and find happiness instead with God, not with a silent girl who dreams of joining a convent one day.

And maybe she is right. No, rephrase that. She is right. One can only find true happiness in God, because he is the source of all things. And despite my shortcomings, I have found peace from Him. And that is a happy thing.

Though that still doesn't explain why I spend our time together just looking at her, or that every time that I wake up in the morning her name is the first thing that pops in my mind.

And it is embarassing. A part of me wants to smack me in the head for dragging myself into this mess. What the hell was I thinking?, I ask myself. But in the end all I could do is shake my head in frustration, sink into my hands and hope that tomorrow I forget all of this.

Sometimes it is better to have no memories than to be haunted by many.

And ultimately, another day ends. Despite the joy, the pain, and evrything else in between, the day goes on. I have to wake up every morning for my job, do my articles, and go home. And maybe in the future, I go back to school and study how to become a lawyer. And should I pass the BAR, I'll get a good-paying job, a car, and the prestige that comes along with such a profession. And if I have money and power, people will say that I've finally made it.

But that still does not answer the question why I keep spending our time together just looking at her, or that every time I wake up in the morning her name is the first thing that pops in my mind.

Maybe I will never know. I've given up trying to find out why.

I'll just have to try harder finding happiness this time.